ProBar Sarcasm

 

 

So you’re thinking of buying a ProBar?

I should start by saying that if you don’t like the ProBar, then stop reading this. NOW. If you are looking for a short description of the halligan mentioned, then I only have two words for you. “The Standard.” This bar is the key to the city.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie-cutter halligan, son! This tool was forged from a single piece of ALL-AMERICAN 4140 steel. The real shit. From the first time you grasp the ProBar, your life will never be the same.

If you’re in the market for the new tool doohickey, a glow in the dark tool, a nupla wannabe, a reflective pistol warning-sticker-wearing or an overpriced copy-cat,
then the ProBar is not for you. Keep on looking my friend, because the ProBar is a piece of red, white and blue American ingenuity at its finest.

This baby’s pulse-elevating, ten and a half pounds of fuck shit up, is what is needed to get the job done. With your calloused hands planted firmly on the tool, she will obey, the first time, every time, no matter where you are. If you can’t handle this bar, then you better not fairy-skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you

complain that she is not perfectly tuned, straight out of the box, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back to the engine company.

“It doesn’t have a shoulder strap?” No, it doesn’t! If you’re looking for a purse, then you can keep looking for a hybrid, Japanese produced, para-crap somewhere else.

If you’re thinking about a welded two-piece halligan, think again. The ProBar comes from a sixty-ton, drop-forged, raw, lava-eating press, operated by a guy that only has a few fingers left, in upstate New York. And forget about one of those super shiny, expensive, laser-cut halligans, because when you’re spotted with this American-made classic, there will be no
questions, no further explanations required, the engine company will understand and get out of your way……real quick.

If you think you’re ready to partake in some of the most epic door-forcing that the ProBar will tackle, then you better get your crew and your old lady ready for some damn changes around the station and your house, cause this shit will be happening.
What will be happening? I’m glad you asked……..

1. More chest hair. Instantly.
2. The squad company goes back to doing engine work.
3. Meat-only diet.
4. T-Rex as a pet.
5. Your crew will be going to every fire in the city.
6. Your balls will be the actual size you thought they were.
7. What door? Where? Show me.
8. Wire bristled toothbrush.
9. All male offspring.
10. Chief goes to you before buying new tools.
11. Chiseled jaw line.
12. Not giving a damn.
13. Wife makes you bacon for breakfast everyday even when on shift.
14. Higher salary.
15. Flesh will be turning to steel.
16. Promotion.
17. You will appear bi-monthly on the cover of fire magazines.
18. Doors may open on their own as you walk up.
19. More window smashing.
20. More killing stuff.
21. More dead animals in the freezer.
22. Bigger TV.
23. Chuck Norris looks up to you.
24. Steaks or lobster (or both) for dinner…..every night.
25. The History Channel will do a week-long series about you.
26. Wrestling Godzilla for your warm-up workout.
27. Build awesome shit.
28. Bar fights.
29. You are immediately elected into the Illuminati.
30. Welding stuff.
31. Engine companies actually leave the front of the building open for the truck.
32. PBR anytime (except while on shift).
33. The most interesting man takes lessons from you.
34. You shotgun kegs instead of beer cans.
35. Taco Tuesdays are real.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

The ProBar has been carried through thousands of fires by men that make William Wallace look like a skirt-wearing little bitch. Like a trusty steed, this juggernaut has never failed to open a door. If you think you’ve worn her out, you drag this beast back to me, in any condition. I’ll handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to whip thirty inches of badassery around, you had better pony up two hundred and thirty-five dollars (+shipping)…..American green cash. You will not be sold this ProBar unless you are clearly a pure-blooded firefighter willing to tackle any lock side of a door. Otherwise…….don’t even think about it.

GSF

~East Coaster~

– Please note, that the author of this article would like to remain anonymous. Nonetheless, this is one extremely bad-ass read, and should be placed into Gospel (Just saying)…